Monday, 8 June 2015

The Trouble with Freedom

12pm June 1st 2015 - End of Module Assessment (EMA) DEADLINE

For me that marked the beginning of freedom from university studies for 7-8 months. I've been looking forward to it. Heck I've longed to have some study-free time. Yet now it's here I feel lost.

You see for me doing my degree, studying a little each day, provides me with a lot of things; a sense of purpose and achievement, something to do and most importantly of all some structure to my day. I've developed a routine based around studying. I can't manage much else. Physical tasks take too much out of me. Getting a job, even a part-time one, is not an option as travelling to it would leave me exhausted before I begun. Studying from home is doable, and at times even that is touch and go. Ideally I will eventually find a job I can do from home. But that still leaves me without something to structure my day around until my next university module begins in January 2016.

I know I need to rest. I want to get better, see my health and energy levels improve but moping around focusing on things I want to do but am unable to physically manage does me absolutely no good. So I've signed up to a few free online courses over the coming months. Something to keep my brain ticking over until my next module begins. Something that gives me something to focus on achieving during these months where I find myself with nothing to structure my day around.

Sure I have other things I want to do, heck I have a list.
  • Sort and tidy my bedroom (no mean feat believe me!)
  • Grow vegetables
  • Cook and freeze some meals I can reheat when I fancy them but can't actually make them (OK so I may need a bit of help with this one!)
  • Finish painting the shelves I started doing last summer
  • Enjoy at least one barbecue with family
  • Rest
  • Bake a cake (or two...)
  • Generally enjoy life as much as possible

But I can't say anything on that list really gives me something to structure my day around, they're mostly one off events. There's such a thing as too much free time. Especially when your so restricted on energy. At least when I'm studying I know what to spend my limited energy on, sure I do indulge in doing things for enjoyment but for the most part my energy is taken up by studying. To have to decide what I want to spend the energy I'd usually use studying on is actually quite difficult. Of course I can do things which are technically too much as I don't have to worry about not being able to do things the next day. Although overdoing it will ultimately do me no good, sometimes the enjoyment outweighs the payback.

Anyway right now I'm nervously awaiting news of finance for my next university module, and of course the seemingly long wait for module results has also begun! I'll try and update this blog as and when I can. My energy levels are currently low and symptoms are high but I'm doing my best to rest til they improve again!