Friday, 26 February 2016

Battling Pessimism...

I've been umming and ahhhhing over whether to share this or not but I think honesty is the best policy. I'm not sharing this for sympathy or pity, it is what it is; a part of my life, and something I have to deal with.

I've been in a really bad mindset recently. A place where everything seems too difficult, it feels like everything is against you. A number of viruses, a decline in physical health and reduced cognitive ability really have taken their toll on my state of mind. I've questioned almost every aspect of my life; what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, if there's any point to it.

I've been chronically ill for 11 years now, that's 11 years dreaming of being well, able to lead something close to a normal life. I've come close to that a few times but each time relapses wrecked those dreams. In the midst of yet another 'blip', which I'm hoping against hope won't turn into another of those relapses, I've been finding it difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I've been worse.

It's like these years of having my hopes of recovery dashed by relapses have taken their toll and I can no longer dare to dream of that. As a result it's been incredibly difficult to focus on the positives, of which there are still many, I look to the future and all I see is illness. I'm approaching the end of my degree and not only do I have no idea what I want to do with my life but I don't know if getting a job and working is actually a possibility. I also know I can't rely on my parents for everything indefinitely. I need some form of income and support.

The future looks fraught with difficulties such as that and I don't know if I've got the fight in me to keep going. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word. I look around and see people my age moving in together, getting married, moving up the career ladder and so on: then there's me. Trying like mad to finish my degree and recover enough to be able to consider getting a job. Relying on my parents and family in general not just financially but for care; help doing the most basic of tasks.

I'd like to say it's just a bad day not a bad life, in fact I did think that when this current patch of poor health started at the beginning of the year but as my health has continued to decline and that bad day has become a bad week, then a bad month it's getting harder and harder to keep believing that this too will pass.

Coping with a decline in health on it's own is difficult enough but I've also started the most challenging module of my degree thus far. I'm ashamed to admit I have actually considered quitting. But I'm not going to do that, I've got to at least try and finish what I started in 2010. The road has never been easy and the next few months look very daunting but I've got to give it a go. Otherwise that'll be one more dream dashed.

To those of you who've been there supporting me these past few weeks, thank you. I am slowly getting myself back into a more positive mindset but it's going to take some time. I've not given up all hope by any stretch of the imagination but I am finding things tough. As things slowly start improving again and the recovery process begins I hope I'll get back to my usual more optimistic self!